New Parent Definitions

(Editor’s note: I saw some of these a few years ago. When I became a new dad, they somehow got funnier!)

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de kids play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you precisely on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him/her.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPRARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: The milestone in an infant’s life when he/she is able to whine using words.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “Go get a towel.”